I respond to my spam in a blog.

I don’t think I’m cut out to be a state trooper.

I’m not single, and I highly doubt the hotness of your “hot babes.”

I do not want water delivered to my home. I have these things called “faucets.”

I really don’t care that I qualify for Awesome Ring Tones.

Thankfully, I don’t need a pain pump. But I’ll keep you in mind in 30 years.

I actually COULD use quick cash, but I don’t trust you as a lender.

C’mon, nobody really has a secret crush on me.

A free laptop? How stupid do I look?

Wait, they’re discounted AND famous Swiss Rolex watches? I kind of prefer unfamous or infamous.

There wouldn’t be a hidden catch to my free 4 nights in Cancun, would there?

I hate you, Shawn Casey, Internet Millionaire. I hope you choke on one of those imaginary $1000 bills.

Keep your freakin’ Buck-Buck Bucks, I’m not telling you who makes my favorite fried chicken.

Yes, I am a winner. Thanks for the congratulations.

I feel bad about the nursing shortage, but it’s just not a viable career path for me right now.

Yes, a person can find their soul mate. I already did. Now go away and be jealous.

No, I haven’t had hernia surgery. Isn’t that kind of a personal question?

C’mon, how much extra body fat can I really lose with green tea?

I don’t think I’m cut out to be a detective. Maybe a caped crusader.

I appreciate your commitment to helping me find a car, but we have two that we like very much and do not need to replace. (Unless you wanna loan me some money for Car #3, then we can talk.)

If there really is a home in my area for $10,000, it must have belonged to a crack whore. Perhaps we should move.

A KMart gift card? For me? Oh, you shouldn’t have.

Really? MILLIONS of singles to chat with?

Yes, I know asbestos exposure is serious. I breathed it in during my entire time at elementary school. And I (cough, cough, hack, hack, choke…) feel fine.

I know women like big ones. Wait, what do you mean by big ones?

Really? No “prescripiton” needed for your online “pharmaccy?”

Editor’s note: I realize that this isn’t that funny. OK, a couple are. I’ve just been saving these up on a couple Post-its on my desk at work, and wanted to clean it off. I promise to do better next time.

May 2nd will Rawk!

Holy crap, I can’t wait until Iron Man comes out. Just saw the new trailer online, and Jon Favreau looks to have a big ol’ franchise on his hands.

This movie looks so freaking awesome, I have no words. (But I’ll try…for you.)

The casting is inspired. The story is compelling. The effects look cool as heck. The soundtrack is great.

Oh, did I mention I like ALL comic book movies? Like even the horrifying Captain America from 1992 starring J.D. Salinger’s kid? (Look it up at IMDB.com.)

When you combine this movie with the sure-to-be-incredible Batman sequel, and the has-to-be-better-than-the-first-one Hulk (Ed Norton EQUALS good movie), it’s gonna be a good year for us geeks.

TripAdvisor just posted this. Bring your black-light.

Dirtiest Hotels – U.S.

• Hotel Carter, New York, NY
• Ramada Niagara Falls, Niagara Falls, NY (Hotel now closed)
• Nashville – Days Inn Vanderbilt / Music Row, Nashville, TN
• Red Carpet Inn, Fort Lauderdale, FL
• Regency Inn & Suites, New York, NY
• St. Augustine Beachfront Resort, Saint Augustine, FL
• Travel Inn Civic/Medical Center, Miami, FL
• Eden Roc Motel, Wildwood, NJ
• Days Inn Lancaster, Lancaster, PA
• Pacific Sands Motel, Santa Monica, CA

Apparently, every hotel between Tennessee and California is clean as a whistle.

Whew.

Just posted all my old MySpace blogs. If you’re a fan, take a quick scroll through Memory Lane. If not, get up to speed on all that is my brilliance. (Or not.)

Back bloggin’ because of the public outcry (MySpace blog from 2.26.08)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Back bloggin’ because of the public outcry Current mood: sweaty Once more into the fray, or at least into the dank basement that is my mind. Ralph Nader is back. Oh, Ralph. I feel bad for him. All of the groundswell of support that Obama is getting–that’s what Ralph needed four and eight years ago. I think it comes down to charisma. Ol’ Ralphie Boy has some great ideas that people should be passionate about, but his personality doesn’t inspire. Bummer. Random endorsement: Twix Java. This is one of the greatest things that ever went into my mouth. You can’t go wrong with a chocolate cookie covered with coffee caramel and milk chocolate. You just can’t. I hate 95% of all Lexus drivers. I think that when you purchase a Lexus (which, from what I hear, is just a souped-up top-of-the-line Toyota sedan), that “I paid an exorbitant amount for a car, so now I own the road and can drive like sh*t” feeling is a freebie they throw in at the dealership. To paraphrase David Cross: You don’t have to be a Lexus driver to be an a$$hole, but you do have to be an asshole to be a Lexus driver. Random endorsement: “We Need Girlfriends” on YouTube. A DIY sitcom that NBC allegedly bought and will produce. I’ve been jotting down notes for another spam-focused blog. Just waiting for the furor over my last one dies down before writing it. Once again, I have contracted Fantasy Baseball Fever. The only cure? Geeking out and making up extensive lists of players to prepare for the annual drafts of my two leagues. Luckily, Shannon is very cool about this hobby/obsession. Random endorsement: Board-certified doctors. They’re the only ones I will go to or recommend. And yes, I do become a bit of an academic snob when researching a new physician. I’m not 100% keen on seeing someone from the Universidad de Tijuana or Southeastern Montana College of Medicine. Over the past several years, I’ve become a boxing fan. And although last Saturday’s Klitschko/Ibragimov heavyweight bout was an incredible snore, I really like how Klitschko (who won) is trying to unify the FOUR different heavyweight belts. For non-boxing fans, there are at least four major sanctioning organizations within the sport, all of whom have title belts. Not to mention the “unofficial” Ring Magazine championships. Klitschko’s win gave him two belts. I really hope his matches for the other two actually happen, and are infinitely more interesting than this first match. Yesterday it was 80 degrees and sunny here. We even did some brainstorming outside in the courtyard at work this afternoon. Today, it’s like 54 and sunny. Some might cringe at the thought of a 26-degree drop. But I’ll take it any day over snow, slush, ice and temps in the 20s or 30s. I had my every-eight-week Remicade treatment yesterday. Basically, I sit there for three hours or so while this monoclonal antibody is infused via IV. I’ve been going for these infusions for several years, and it’s usually fine. Sometimes I’ll sleep, or watch TV if they have it, or read, or pretend to do work that I’ve brought. Sometimes, I’ll share illness stories with the other patients (if there are any). Yesterday’s companions were both Rheumatoid Arthritis patients–one very nice 70-year-old lady with more metal joint replacements than she could count, the other a 50ish woman who used to live in Hawaii but was driven away by the humid climate (and its effects on her physically). Speaking of medicine, I’m switching gastroenterologists. I do like the guy I’ve been seeing since I moved to Texas, but two straight horrible “customer service” issues have sent me packing. When you call in a prescription refill, you don’t get a nurse or the doctor. You get a receptionist or one of the various customer service reps at this large practice. And twice in the past several months, I’ve had to make multiple calls to both the pharmacy and the office (who was to blame) and basically missed doses of my medication because the promise that “we called it in” was either a lie or accidentally untrue. I need my meds, and I need a direct line to somebody who says they’ll do something and gets it done. So goodbye, G.I. Enough serious crap. How about “The Moment of Truth” on Fox? Last night, I didn’t see the whole thing, but apparently a contestant admitted (right in front of her husband) that she would leave him if her ex-boyfriend would take her back. Which brings up the ultimate question: what’s worth more, your marriage or the $25,000 she stood to lose by just quitting? Apparently for her, it was the cash. [Editor’s Note: Hi, Editor here. I just Wikipedia’d up the show, and it seems that she did admit that she’d leave her hubby for the ex. In a fun twist, she ended up losing $100,000 because she lied when she said that yes, she thought she was a good person. Awesome.] Tonight is American Idol, which is nowhere near as fun without all the crazy people. End transmission. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it. If not, you can get your money back by calling 1-900-GET-A-LIF.

Thoughts on a windy Tuesday (MySpace blog from 1.29.08)

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Thoughts on a windy Tuesday Current mood: froggy A song on the radio or MTV caught my ear, and I haven’t really dug a song like this in a while. It’s Sara Bareilles’ “Not Gonna Write You A Love Song.” Check it out if you haven’t heard it. It has a really cool if-Ben-Folds-was-a-23-year-old-woman-banging-on-the-piano vibe. And it’s catchy as hell. First I was here on MySpace. Then LinkedIn, for the “hey, I’m networking” side of me. Then Facebook. Now somebody got me onto NotchUp, where they will allegedly arrange for you to get paid for job interviews. I guess this is Web 2.0, social networking, and the beginning of The End. I love living in a world where there’s a betting line in Vegas on how long Jordin Sparks takes to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. You can really tell that Fox is running the show. Jordin Sparks? Seriously? Shannon and I are completely sucked into the vortex of reality shows, both terrible and awesome. The terrible include Rock of Love 2, Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant, and the soon-to-be-aired Flavor of Love 3. The awesome include Project Runway, Top Chef, Top Design, The Next Design Star, Hell’s Kitchen, Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares (US & BBC), and our new favorite, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. A quick rundown of each show, since I know you all respect my vast and superfluous pop culture knowledge and opinions: –Rock of Love 2 = Skankalicious. Skanktastic. A skanktastrophe. –Scott Baio… = Boo hoo, Scott, you’re 46 and it’s time to grow up and be a man. Guess what, you are no longer the center of your universe. –Flavor of Love 3 = Man, can’t Flavor Flav find true love? Someone to be a momma to his 7 kids? Someone who likes kissing a mouth full of gold and gums? –Project Runway = Always dramatic, the judges are witchy with a capital B, Heidi Klum is annoying, but Tim Gunn is way cool and I respect the creativity and ingenuity of the contestants under tight deadlines. Reminds me of my job. –Top Chef = Almost the same as Project Runway, but with food. –Top Design = Almost the same as Project Runway, but with interior design. –The Next Design Star = Almost the same as Top Design, but with the added challenge of being a TV host. –Hell’s Kitchen = Renowned chef/restaurateur Gordon Ramsay yells at/trains chefs while they compete for a dream job/their own restaurant. –Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares (BBC) = The original, where Ramsay spends a week at a dying restaurant and tries to help them save the business. Shows that he can be a good guy, he’s very smart and creative. –Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares (US) = Same thing, just Americanized and more dramatic. The American restaurateurs that he meets are usually not as welcoming or open to his ideas, which is incredibly stupid of them. –Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew = Wow. A bunch of random F-list celebrities with drug and alcohol problems are in Dr. Drew’s (heckuva nice guy) rehab facility in California. Really rooting for some of them to overcome their problems. Jeff Conaway is both freaking insane and pitiable. What else can I blather on about… I turned 35 years old 16 days ago. Meh. I’m not happy that the gym is getting crowded at 6:35 AM. Go away, fellow complex residents, so I can get the good elliptical machine and crank the morning news or Mike & Mike in the Morning on ESPN2. I am happy that although I’m not losing weight as fast as I’d hoped, I’m muscling up. You feel lucky, punk? Why do clients pay us like $100/hour or more and then completely disregard our recommendations? It’s like our experience and talent aren’t worth anything, but they have a budget so they might as well spend it on something. I’m already tired of the 2008 candidates. Although I am kind of psyched to see the final two, whoever they are, go at it over the summer. Just thought of something interesting…heard that McCain was considering Joe Lieberman as a running mate. So our big race could come down to a Republican ticket with a 70-something war hero and a Jewish guy versus the Democratic ticket headed by either a woman or an African-American man. Maybe there’s hope for this “melting pot” yet. Although I’d still love a legitimate 3rd party. And 4th party. Actually, Chris Crocker or whatever your name is, Britney should NOT be left alone. Somebody should grab that crazy girl and put her in a secret rehab in Nebraska or somewhere away from the jerks with cameras who are profiting off of her problems. This might be my longest blog ever. And it’s all killer, no filler. Recommendation: Sign up for the e-mail lists of your favorite stores and restaurants. They will send you discounts and birthday freebies and stuff. It is easy and it works. Back to TV, because it always comes back to TV. Watch E’s “Chelsea Lately” with Chelsea Handler. She is funny like 85% of the time, which is 60% better than Robin Williams. Man, I really wish the writers’ strike was over. I miss Heroes. I love most of what Ricky Gervais has done: The Office (the original) and Extras being the two biggies. He really did take a sharp left with that Extras finale, though. Ruminating on the follies of fame and celebrity and all that stuff, it was the darkest finale of a comedy series ever. All right, kids, get back to work.

Double entry: I HATE TIME WARNER CABLE/Meeting Haiku (MySpace blog from 12.11.07)

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I HATE TIME WARNER CABLE. Current mood: angry Yeah, I went All Caps on their asses. Here’s the message I just sent their “Customer Service” people: I am HIGHLY upset at the “service” I received today. Our cable TV AND Internet service were both disrupted today (your automated system says there is no record of any problem). We called to arrange for a service visit, but I am at work and missed the 10:38 AM call from the technician, who did not leave a message. They later attempted to call at 3:29 PM, but I missed the call because I was in another meeting. Again, no message was left. Knowing that I probably missed a call, I called in at 4:17 PM and spoke with a representative. The rep told me that the work order was STILL OPEN, and that we would receive a call soon–she even told me that the technician was finishing up a visit and would be going to us next. At that time, I also gave her my wife’s phone number as a backup, in case I was unable to answer my phone. When I called in again at 6:00 p.m., another representative told me that the work order was canceled at 4:44 PM. WHY would the order be canceled a half-hour AFTER I spoke with a rep who told me to expect a call and that the work order was still open? Now we will have an entire day and night without cable or Internet service, thanks to the incompetence and laziness of your representatives and technicians. Please know that we are VERY upset with this shoddy service and will be exploring other options immediately. MORAL OF THE STORY: If you have options other than Time Warner, USE THEM.

Meeting haiku Current mood: quixotic Found a bunch of haiku (or haikus?) I wrote in a meeting about a year and a half ago. I drink bad coffee I stare into the distance When will meeting end? People droning on Their monotone causes pain Headache coming on All of these voices Justify their existence With meaningless talk Would they even know If we all got up and left Con’frence call from Hell All these empty suits Giving us their crap “input” Better left unsaid They think we can’t read Why else would they read the brief Word for word all day?

Unpaid endorsement: Fighting Chance (MySpace blog from 12.7.07)

Friday, December 07, 2007

Unpaid endorsement: Fighting Chance Current mood: pleased Once in a while, I’m going to use my blog to sing the praises of a product or service or whatever – something or someone that I’ve had a very very very positive experience with in my life. FIGHTINGCHANCE.COM is an awesome site that WILL save you money when you’re buying a car. (If you don’t save money, you didn’t follow instructions.) I’ve saved at least $2,000 on car purchases thanks to the site. Fighting Chance is both an information resource and a smarter process for buying a car. They have tons of information on all kinds of new cars, and for only $40 or so (and $10 per additional set), you’ll get everything about the make and model, unadvertised deals, and most importantly, the actual dealer invoice price. (That’s what the dealer paid to the manufacturer for the car.) The concept is that if you follow the process (briefly described below), you should never pay more than $500 over dealer invoice price – which is usually a whole lot less than the sticker price. The process: –First, don’t ever sit down with a salesman at the dealership. Maybe go to test drive, but other than that, do NOT discuss numbers or give them information. –Order (and read) the information packet about the car(s) you are considering. –Create a fax using the template they provide. (It basically says who you are, the car you’re looking to buy, that you know how much it really costs, the range you’re willing to pay, etc.) –Send out the fax to as many dealers as you want – or as far as you’d drive to buy a car. –Make sure to send it out on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, first thing in the morning, during the last week of the month. (Slowest times for dealers.) –Wait for the phone calls to start. –When a dealer calls, get their price and tell them you’ll call back. –Take calls all day, then call them all back and ask if they can meet or beat the lowest price quote. If they can’t/won’t, then goodbye. –Call the winning dealer and tell them when you’re coming in to buy. –Before you sign on the dotted line, CALL FIGHTING CHANCE. They will tell you if you’re getting a good deal. There are slightly different processes for buying or leasing – but they walk you through it. If you want to avoid the typical car-buying process AND save money, then try this. Or go to the dealership and sit there, waiting for the salesman to “talk to his manager” 54 times.

Rowing down the stream of consciousness (MySpace blog from 12.4.07)

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Rowing down the stream of consciousness Current mood: crunk Other stuff that came to me in a rush the other night, just before falling asleep: ALLI = Have you heard about this stuff? It’s an FDA-approved weight-loss drug/anti-obesity medication. Although it stops you from absorbing dietary fat, it can also cause diarrhea and increased flatulence. Oh, and my favorite line from their packaging: “Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it’s probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work.” Translation: You might poop yourself, so be prepared. I imagine that the first pharmaceutical company to develop the non-diarrhea, non-flatulence, non-crap-yourself-at-work weight-loss drug will make one decillion dollars. SOCIAL ANXIETY DRUGS = Thought I blogged about this previously, so if I did, I’ll keep it brief. I just love the side effects for these medications. I’m sure you’ve seen it on TV. Here’s a paraphrased TV spot: “Are you scared of other people? Do social situations send you into a downward spiral of fear and depression? If so, you may be suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder. So try [DRUG NAME]. And get back out there and start living! Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, sweating and increased heart rate.” So the side effects are basically the same as the symptoms of SAD. (An unfortunate acronym.) CELL PH.. Remember when they were just “car phones” or those giant walkie-talkie-looking things? Then they got progressively smaller. Then they added cameras. Then they added MP3 players. Then they added Internet and video. What’s next? I think they’re out of stuff. Seriously, what more could you put into your portable phone/camera/stereo/computer/TV? THE SLEEP NUMBER BED = Sure, it’s great for sleeping. He’s a 12, she’s a 34. Fantastic. Good night’s sleep for all. But what about during intimate moments? You’re on this lopsided surface with two completely different levels. (I bet you’re thinking, why didn’t he go for the 69 joke? Because I’m classy all the way.) BRAGGING ABOUT THE WRONG THINGS = Such as “man, I’m on like three hours of sleep.” Or “I was SO WASTED last night.” Or “I drove like 95 MPH to get here.” These are NOT GOOD THINGS, people. You are bragging about mistakes and vices and bad habits and all the crap that makes you seem either stupid or unable to exert any willpower. If you say these things as a form of complaint, then OK. But do we really need to know? LIBRARIES = Seriously, how long do they have left? With the Web available in your pocket (see above), and certainly in an increasing number of homes and schools, your local library is about as necessary as an extra toe. Let’s turn them into homeless shelters or something useful, instead of another gourmet coffee place.

Heck yeah, it’s random (MySpace blog from 11.29.07)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Heck yeah, it’s random Current mood: savage More random ramblings. Since when are women’s sunglasses so freakin’ huge? Are they taking fashion tips from cataract patients? The only people who should wear huge sunglasses are, well, clowns. Literally. I have a long commute. I see a lot of stuff on the road that I have to question: BUMPER STICKERS If I can figure out your life story and overall philosophy from three or four stickers on the bumper of your vehicle, chances are I won’t like you if we ever met in the real world. Yes, you, the guy in the big black pickup truck with old chestnuts like: “Bush/Cheney in ’04,” “My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student” or anything NRA-related. And also you, the hippie lady in the beat-up 1992 VW with “Follow Your Bliss” and “Practice Random Acts of Kindness.” While I may agree with some of your views, I think the patchouli stench might make me nauseous. OTHER CAR STICKERS I see all these soccer moms and dads with their kid’s name, school, the sport they play and their uniform number on their car. Is this the dumbest thing ever? I can understand being proud of your child. But in an age of sickies and deviant criminals, aren’t you just pointing out “hey, here’s my kid, Mr. Soon-to-be-seen-on-Dateline’s-To-Catch-A-Predator-with-Chris-Hansen?” Yep, little Rylee (or Rilee or Ryley or whatever) is your pride and joy, playing volleyball for Central High School and wearing 14. Problem is, now Sickie McGee the Pedophile knows a LOT about her and where to find her. Good parenting job. DRIVERS ON CELL PHONES Yeah, this is not exactly a “new” issue or one that hasn’t been discussed before. But this morning, I saw a soccer mom with huge sunglasses driving a giant SUV shouting into her cell phone (in the left hand) and wildly gesturing (with her right hand). Yes, that does mean that NO HANDS WERE ON THE STEERING WHEEL. Going anywhere from 55 MPH-70 MPH on the Dallas North Tollway with no hands. No wonder there are accidents 2-3 times a week. BAD BREATH I can talk about this because I sometimes suffer from halitosis. (When I have it, it’s halitosis–a medical condition. When others have it, it’s just stank breath.) But there is like NO good way to tell somebody that their breath could use some minty freshness. Some people have built Web sites to send “anonymous” messages, but it’s not like you always have the e-mail of the 7-11 clerk handy. AIRPLANE PEANUTS What is the deal…just kidding. WRITING Just because you can type, doesn’t mean you can write. Frankly, it doesn’t mean you can communicate effectively. That’s what makes me so scared about our e-mail-driven world, that one wrong word choice or phrase can be incredibly destructive. The next time you’re pounding out an e-mail to a colleague at work or a family member or whoever, just consider what it is you’re saying and how you’re saying it. Please? That’s it for now. Get back to work.