Rowing down the stream of consciousness (MySpace blog from 12.4.07)

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Rowing down the stream of consciousness
Current mood: crunk

Other stuff that came to me in a rush the other night, just before falling asleep:

ALLI = Have you heard about this stuff? It’s an FDA-approved weight-loss drug/anti-obesity medication. Although it stops you from absorbing dietary fat, it can also cause diarrhea and increased flatulence. Oh, and my favorite line from their packaging: “Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it’s probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work.”

Translation: You might poop yourself, so be prepared.

I imagine that the first pharmaceutical company to develop the non-diarrhea, non-flatulence, non-crap-yourself-at-work weight-loss drug will make one decillion dollars.

SOCIAL ANXIETY DRUGS = Thought I blogged about this previously, so if I did, I’ll keep it brief. I just love the side effects for these medications. I’m sure you’ve seen it on TV. Here’s a paraphrased TV spot:

“Are you scared of other people? Do social situations send you into a downward spiral of fear and depression? If so, you may be suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder. So try [DRUG NAME]. And get back out there and start living! Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, sweating and increased heart rate.”

So the side effects are basically the same as the symptoms of SAD. (An unfortunate acronym.)

CELL PH.. Remember when they were just “car phones” or those giant walkie-talkie-looking things? Then they got progressively smaller. Then they added cameras. Then they added MP3 players. Then they added Internet and video. What’s next? I think they’re out of stuff. Seriously, what more could you put into your portable phone/camera/stereo/computer/TV?

THE SLEEP NUMBER BED = Sure, it’s great for sleeping. He’s a 12, she’s a 34. Fantastic. Good night’s sleep for all. But what about during intimate moments? You’re on this lopsided surface with two completely different levels. (I bet you’re thinking, why didn’t he go for the 69 joke? Because I’m classy all the way.)

BRAGGING ABOUT THE WRONG THINGS = Such as “man, I’m on like three hours of sleep.” Or “I was SO WASTED last night.” Or “I drove like 95 MPH to get here.”

These are NOT GOOD THINGS, people. You are bragging about mistakes and vices and bad habits and all the crap that makes you seem either stupid or unable to exert any willpower.

If you say these things as a form of complaint, then OK. But do we really need to know?

LIBRARIES = Seriously, how long do they have left? With the Web available in your pocket (see above), and certainly in an increasing number of homes and schools, your local library is about as necessary as an extra toe.

Let’s turn them into homeless shelters or something useful, instead of another gourmet coffee place.

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