Seven Ways I’m Like Barry Bonds (but better)

1. We’ve both done steroids, although mine were legal and prescribed (and not the muscle-creating kind) and didn’t swell my head three times.

2. He’s the godson of Willie Mays; I’m the godson of Willie Mays’ biggest fan – who wanted to (but didn’t) name his daughter Wilhemina Mays.

3. Nobody will hire him to play ball in 2008; nobody will hire me to write for them in 2008 – but there’s pretty much zero stigma attached to hiring me.

4. We both played college baseball, although I did it for the love of the game – that’s how we roll in Division III.

5. Bonds refuses to appear in video games – me, too, but only because of the way they portrayed me in Grand Theft Auto: Des Moines.

6. He spent 1986 – 1992 playing for Pittsburgh; I was across the state in Philly playing for the Mayfair Shamrocks (and my high school and college teams).

7. He’s the all-time home run champion (for now); I’m the all-time best at Season Ticket Baseball 2001, a simulation game for PCs.

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