My brilliant season

(Pre-emptive apologies to non-fantasy baseball fans…you really have to be a participant to “get” most of these jokes, but you still might find some humor in there. At the very least, it’s a funny preview of my upcoming novel: “How to Finish 11th out of 14 in Fantasy Baseball.”

—————————————————————-

Ah, 2008, I hardly knew ye. The fantasy baseball moves I made this season for my CBS Sportsline team, with 20/20 hindsight…

4/14 Add NFigueroa
–This is the kind of move that wins championships, folks.
4/21 Add GLaird, JHuber
–Again – a platoon catcher and a platoon OF. Going to be great in 2008!
4/21 Got RHill from Force for Adenhart/Pelfrey/KSuzuki
–Maybe one of the worst deals ever made. Hill flamed out horribly, and Force got a good prospect, a solid #3 SP and a decent C. First sign of a bad year?
4/23 Got JHermida from NYMeats for GGonzalez/BWood
–Ah, what a five-tool player I got. See how good he was by looking at what happened on 9/25 below. At least the guys I gave up didn’t do much.
4/23 Add Garland and AGalarraga, drop Huber
–Garland actually won a bunch for me, and Galarraga would have if I had been smart enough to hold onto him.
4/26 Add MValdez, drop GLaird
–Hello, crap. Goodbye, crap.
5/1 Add JJReyes
–No, I knew I wasn’t getting Jose Reyes. Jo-Jo was actually hot for a while before completely imploding.
5/7 Add Iannetta, drop NFigueroa
–One of the greatest “adds” of all time. (Or at least this season.)
5/7 Got CVillanueva from Roid Rage for BMolina
–Advantage: Roid Rage.
5/9 Got JHardy/Teagarden from Sioux for DlmYoung/Veal
–Kind of a wash. Hardy was really good this year, Teagarden looks to be good next year or in 2010. Delmon could be a superstar, though.
5/12 Add Werth and Marquis, drop AGalarraga
–Smart move, getting Werth. Dumb move, cutting Galarraga and also dumping Werth a mere three weeks later.
5/19 Add EdwRamirez
–What was I thinking?
5/21 Add Guardado, drop EdwRamirez and Marquis
–That’s better.
5/21 Got Hochevar/Meloan from B-12 for Guardado/BLyon
–This deal actually hurt both of us. Physically, emotionally and statistically. Maybe Hochevar can turn it around next year on an improving KC squad?
5/22 Drop RBetancourt
–Held onto him way too long, figuring he’d be the CLE closer.
5/25 Add Shouse
–Another Einsteinian move.
5/26 Got MBradley/Garko from Dirtbags for FRodriguez
–I’d say I got ripped off, but MBradley hit like crazy when he was healthy.
5/26 Add STorres, drop Shouse and Willits
–Plus, I somehow knew that Torres would reel off a bunch of saves.
5/31 Add RamRamirez
–What’s with me and Ramirezes? I had Edwar, Ramon, Alexei and Manny this year.
6/4 Add UJimenez, drop RamRamirez
–Nominee #2 for Harley Move of the Year. Not sure who cut Ubaldo, but thanks.
6/5 Add AlRamirez, drop Meloan
–Nominee #3 for Harley Move of the Year. I’m on a roll!
6/8 Drop Werth
–Oh, the roll ended.
6/9 Add JCarlson, drop DWillis
–Hello, crap. Goodbye, supercrap. I think between Verlander and Dontrelle, the DET pitching single-handedly killed my staff.
6/9 Got THunter/BMyers from Roid Rage for RHill/Ichiro
–Can’t blame Mark for giving up on Myers – the odds on him turning it around were like 167:1.
6/12 Drop JCarlson
–Hey, Jesse, I need to see you in my office. Oh, never mind, just pack your stuff, you’re cut.
6/20 Got Manny/RSoriano from Bonds for KGreene/THunter/PHughes
–OK, you’re thinking this was stupid. (And I’m finding it hard to argue.)
6/20 Add Maholm
–Hey Paul, welcome.
6/21 Add AlGonzalez, FPaulino
–Loading up my DL.
6/23 Add Burriss, drop Maholm
–Hey Paul, see you later.
6/26 Add HBailey, drop Burriss
–How the mighty have fallen.
7/1 Got Towles from Sluggers for HBailey
–And the mighty get traded. Crapped-out prospect for crapped-out prospect.
7/9 Add SGallagher, drop MValdez
–Hello, decent arm. Goodbye, hurt arm.
7/16 Drop AlGonzalez
–You know, Alex, you’re not even good enough for me to keep on the DL.
7/16 Got JBaker/CRay/Volstad from B-12 for Figgins/Helton
–If CRay comes back strong next year, this has to be one of my best trades. And I did it against Wes! (Of course, he was picking up “pieces” for his championship run – I was/am rebuilding.)
7/17 Add JBlanton, drop Garko
–Hopped on Fat Joe quickly, but gave up on him 10 days from now. Garko at this point can’t even hit as well as Orko, the wizard-guy from He-Man.
7/21 Drop JJReyes
–Oh Jo-Jo, your precipitous collapse was both unforeseen and unfortunate.
7/22 Drop Towles
–Maybe J.R. should stand for Just Rancid.
7/27 Add Ohman, drop Blanton
–Ah, bullpen help when you’re completely out of the running. That’s what I need.
7/29 Add Spilborghs and JuRivera, drop Owings
–Micah, we gave you a really long rope. And you hung yourself, so we’re cutting you and getting a couple useless OFs.
7/31 Drop Ohman
–Oh man.
8/3 Got Colvin/Lind/BWood from NYMeats for Uggla/SGallagher
–Gave up the boppin’ 2B for an interesting group of young’uns. We’ll see.
8/4 Add CHansen
–Former BoSox prospect getting a chance in PIT? OK!
8/6 Add Burriss, drop JuRivera
–Needing future SS more than OF…or so I thought.
8/11 Got HKendrick/Pie/JOSanchez from Dirtbags for Manny
–This deal was pulling teeth, and I really need these guys to live up to their potential in ’09 to feel good about it.
8/11 Drop Garland and Burriss
–Eh, who needs wins or a future SS?
8/27 Add FLopez, drop CHansen
–Former BoSox prospect getting a chance in PIT? Never mind. I’ll get the formerly great Felipe Lopez!
9/3 Drop FLopez
–Now I’ll cut him prematurely and let somebody else reap the benefits!
9/15 Add RCedeno and McPherson, drop Spilborghs and JBaker
–Just havin’ fun at this point.
9/17 Add Shealy, drop RCedeno
–KC’s next 1B? Not if my luck rubs off on him.
9/25 Add Maholm, drop Hermida
–Hey everybody, Paul’s back! What a way to finish a season! Oh, and goodbye Jeremy, you perennial prospect you.

This about sums it up.

This about sums it up.

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