Today’s spam “job offer”

Kay Lott to shellymac35

 

Hello.
Our company Private Company is pleased to offer you a well-paid part-time job.
Your personal information has been reviewed.

Requirements you should correspond to: Must be US citizen.
If you are interested, please reply.

Best regards

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

1.       I  am not “shellymac35.”

2.       Not much of a greeting. “Hello. I am a robot.”

3.       “Private Company” is kind of a lame name for your company.

4.       That sentence is missing a few commas, too.

5.       I’m a bit worried that you reviewed my personal information without my permission. Did you see the photos from my colonoscopy last year?

6.       I’m not sure how to correspond to requirements. “Dear Requirements: Hello?”

7.       Gotta say, I’m kinda interested.

8.       No sign-off? Kay, I think you should really include your name. Otherwise, this might look like spam.

A spam I got, with snarky comments

From Mr Mohamed Ilar
Sunday, April 19, 2009 12:32 PM

Dear Good Friend, (I like this. I have no idea who this is, but maybe s/he is assuming I will become a Good Friend if I give them money.)

How are you together with your family members?I think all is well. (So you’re a psychic as well as a spamming thief. Interesting!) Despite the fact that I did not know you in person or have i seen you before (Hmm…this would seem to contradict your previous statement. But let us continue anway…) but due to the reliable revelation,(Whoa, you’ve had a revelation? Why didn’t you say so sooner?) I decided to share this lucrative opportunity with you, I have no other choice,(Really? I’m It? You don’t have a family member or friend to turn to? That’s so sad!) so kindly consider this message as vital, believing that sooner or later we will be multi millonaires, (OK, the lack of a period at the end of this sentence really bugs me. Even more than the empty promise of multi millionaire-dom.)

First and foremost, I have to introduce myself to you. (Shouldn’t you have led off with this?) I am MR.MOMHAMED (Where’d the extra M come from in your name? Above, your name was Mohamed.) ILAR, THE FOREIGN OPERATIONS MANAGER OF OUR BANK (Which bank? I used to have an account with His Bank, but not Our Bank) here in my country, BURKINA FASO WEST AFRICA. I am married with two children. (This is pertinent information for our business deal. What are their names and ages?)

I want you to assist me in other (In other what? In other ways?) to transfer the sum of TWENTYT FIVE, FIVE Million United States Currency ($25.5,000,000.00) (Should I be going into business with someone who can’t spell Twenty – much less his own name? Maybe…) into your reliable account as the Next of Kin to our Foreign Business partner , the original owner of the fund. He was a foreigner and a multi company holder who died in a plane crash with his family years ago, he deposited the fund in our bank for his business expansion in Africa unfortunately he met this sudden and untimely death and the worst thing that happened was the wife who suppose to be the successor of the account died alongside with him. (This kinda sounds like fraud. You’re asking me to pretend to be Next of Kin to some guy whose name you won’t give me? I’m a good liar, but not that good.)

Since the deceased left no body behind to claim the fund, as a foreigner, you are in better position for that, and no body will come for the claim after you have applied. (You’ve just given me a good idea for a zombie movie. Will you invest twentyt five, five in “They Came Back for The Money?”) If you are ready to assist me, set up a new bank account or forward to me any one avialable so that the process will commence .

I will guide you on how you should apply for the claim so that everything will be smooth and correct (If I want to be smooth and correct, I’ll turn to Gillette. Or Billy Dee Williams.). After the transfer, i will resign and come over to your country for the sharing of the fund 50/50 base on the fact that it is two man business. (My cousin was in a two man business once. In college. Long story.)

Finally, note that you are not taking any risk because there will be a legal back up as we commence. (No risk? Giving my account information to some guy who can’t spell his own name? And who is our legal back up? Can we get Denny Crane?)
Further information will be given to you as soon as I receive your reply.

Fill this information
Your Full Names……………………(OK, well technically I have three names.)
Mailing Address ……………………
Phone Number …………………….
Age…………………………………….
Occupation…………………………..
conutry ………………………………(Is Co-Nutry the art of being nutty with another person?)

Sincerely,
MR.MOMHAMED ILAR (Hey, your name still has the extra M.)

Dear Mohamed/Momhamed:
I to write you back in style in which you are used to. Guiding light told me not to provide funds to you in hopes that I do not lose my money to crooks in country foreign.

Have faith, be clean, and your account details to send to me instead.
Yours in trust,

Harmley

Incredibly wonderful spam

This was the message text:

“Hey, my name is Liza i girl.I’m search friend
message me my mail !! [E-MAIL ADDRESS REMOVED] !!
I send my foto .”

Well, Liza, it appears that your English language skills are not great.

But you are “girl.”

Maybe we could be friends, but I don’t think I can message you your mail since I don’t know where you live.

Oh, a photo too?

Make sure you brush your tooth before taking the picture!

I respond to my spam in a blog.

I don’t think I’m cut out to be a state trooper.

I’m not single, and I highly doubt the hotness of your “hot babes.”

I do not want water delivered to my home. I have these things called “faucets.”

I really don’t care that I qualify for Awesome Ring Tones.

Thankfully, I don’t need a pain pump. But I’ll keep you in mind in 30 years.

I actually COULD use quick cash, but I don’t trust you as a lender.

C’mon, nobody really has a secret crush on me.

A free laptop? How stupid do I look?

Wait, they’re discounted AND famous Swiss Rolex watches? I kind of prefer unfamous or infamous.

There wouldn’t be a hidden catch to my free 4 nights in Cancun, would there?

I hate you, Shawn Casey, Internet Millionaire. I hope you choke on one of those imaginary $1000 bills.

Keep your freakin’ Buck-Buck Bucks, I’m not telling you who makes my favorite fried chicken.

Yes, I am a winner. Thanks for the congratulations.

I feel bad about the nursing shortage, but it’s just not a viable career path for me right now.

Yes, a person can find their soul mate. I already did. Now go away and be jealous.

No, I haven’t had hernia surgery. Isn’t that kind of a personal question?

C’mon, how much extra body fat can I really lose with green tea?

I don’t think I’m cut out to be a detective. Maybe a caped crusader.

I appreciate your commitment to helping me find a car, but we have two that we like very much and do not need to replace. (Unless you wanna loan me some money for Car #3, then we can talk.)

If there really is a home in my area for $10,000, it must have belonged to a crack whore. Perhaps we should move.

A KMart gift card? For me? Oh, you shouldn’t have.

Really? MILLIONS of singles to chat with?

Yes, I know asbestos exposure is serious. I breathed it in during my entire time at elementary school. And I (cough, cough, hack, hack, choke…) feel fine.

I know women like big ones. Wait, what do you mean by big ones?

Really? No “prescripiton” needed for your online “pharmaccy?”

Editor’s note: I realize that this isn’t that funny. OK, a couple are. I’ve just been saving these up on a couple Post-its on my desk at work, and wanted to clean it off. I promise to do better next time.