I respond to my spam in a blog.

I don’t think I’m cut out to be a state trooper.

I’m not single, and I highly doubt the hotness of your “hot babes.”

I do not want water delivered to my home. I have these things called “faucets.”

I really don’t care that I qualify for Awesome Ring Tones.

Thankfully, I don’t need a pain pump. But I’ll keep you in mind in 30 years.

I actually COULD use quick cash, but I don’t trust you as a lender.

C’mon, nobody really has a secret crush on me.

A free laptop? How stupid do I look?

Wait, they’re discounted AND famous Swiss Rolex watches? I kind of prefer unfamous or infamous.

There wouldn’t be a hidden catch to my free 4 nights in Cancun, would there?

I hate you, Shawn Casey, Internet Millionaire. I hope you choke on one of those imaginary $1000 bills.

Keep your freakin’ Buck-Buck Bucks, I’m not telling you who makes my favorite fried chicken.

Yes, I am a winner. Thanks for the congratulations.

I feel bad about the nursing shortage, but it’s just not a viable career path for me right now.

Yes, a person can find their soul mate. I already did. Now go away and be jealous.

No, I haven’t had hernia surgery. Isn’t that kind of a personal question?

C’mon, how much extra body fat can I really lose with green tea?

I don’t think I’m cut out to be a detective. Maybe a caped crusader.

I appreciate your commitment to helping me find a car, but we have two that we like very much and do not need to replace. (Unless you wanna loan me some money for Car #3, then we can talk.)

If there really is a home in my area for $10,000, it must have belonged to a crack whore. Perhaps we should move.

A KMart gift card? For me? Oh, you shouldn’t have.

Really? MILLIONS of singles to chat with?

Yes, I know asbestos exposure is serious. I breathed it in during my entire time at elementary school. And I (cough, cough, hack, hack, choke…) feel fine.

I know women like big ones. Wait, what do you mean by big ones?

Really? No “prescripiton” needed for your online “pharmaccy?”

Editor’s note: I realize that this isn’t that funny. OK, a couple are. I’ve just been saving these up on a couple Post-its on my desk at work, and wanted to clean it off. I promise to do better next time.

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